Recently had the experience of dating. It's quite lovely, I must say. Full of talking and doing things I enjoy, like eating.
This particular pair didn't really last, but I suppose I'm better for that.
Now, I've just gone and watched Love, Actually in a break from a major project that had my head stuck in a wall.
I love most of that movie. I love the characters of Hugh Grant's and Colin Firth's and Liam Neeson's and Emma Thompson's and Martin Freeman's and Joanna Page's and Andrew Lincoln's and Martine McCutcheon's and Laura Linney's and Thomas Brodie-Sangster's and Rodrigo Santoro's and Lúcia Moniz's and Colin Coull's.
I loved the continuity of it and the fact that those two not-really-even-subplot characters met filming a... movie.
I really loved the fact that I'm single. And a little alone in that right now. I don't like it.
I can wish forever that things could be different but that will not change the way they are.
I used to pray all night that a certain boy would, not fall in love with me but, just realize how deeply I cared for him. If that ever happened, there was no evidence. In fact, there was definite evidence to the contrary. I don't know if I've really moved on, but I like to think I have.
Then I prayed for a very, very close friend-boy who would, later, fall madly in love with me and then... Well, I know that's not going to happen with my best friend. Even if it did, it's like we're too close. You know? It won't happen.
Then I prayed for a secret admirer. He wasn't secret and I couldn't reciprocate what he was feeling. I felt awful because I really did have so much homework to finish that night, even if I would have been able to go. I know I won't get a second chance at that romance, but I'm so glad he gave me a second chance at the friendship because in my shock and fright I may have behaved rather cooly and/or rudely. (He's such a fantastic person, I have no idea what he saw in me.)
I need to finish. please excuse me.
i hate categorizing things. it's so tedious. grrawr.
also, 34 lines or less? try confining Poe to those conditions! not that i'm equal to Poe, but still...
I'm not alone. Technically, I am alone (physically, mentally, romantically), but I know I'm not. I wonder who else I'm with, in my unaloneness. I haven't really hung out with many people recantly, outside of my parent and grandparents.
there's Marshall and Kiley. there's Winter and Bailey and Sam. there's Sophie and Tim and Fin and Steve and Liam and Mallory. there's Nick and Paul and Ian and Tom and Kendra and Becky and Linda and Berit (though I consistently misspell her name). there's Alex and Alicia and Zosha and Mitchell and Kenyan and Xander and Kyle and Victor and Bennet and Dave and Shaft and Raffi and
woops, time to go.
point is, i' not alone. it wasn't your intent and i know that and i have to go now, bye.
this would have been fine, under normal circumstances, except, around evening time, she got really mopey. I, on the contrary, was having the time of my life and was kind of ticked off. Then the "kids' movie night" started. We watched UP and i felt so alone, all of the sudden.
We just got into cell range, so my friend was busy texting, calling, and messaging her brother. at one point, she enlisted me to help her make a picture card to send to him via mms (on my phone).
again, i would have been fine with this, except, at this point, i just needed a really big cry.
so, around midnight, we got back to our cabin and i went out to the deck of the ship (facing the bow so the bridge couldn't see my tears) and cried for a good half hour.
when i went to bed, i found a note and a very awake friend whose first words were, "I know you better than this. you can't fool me. what's wrong?" and i was suddenly drowning in tears.
here she was, moping about how, for one day (okay, one week) she couldn't see or talk to her brother and there i was, wishing and praying every night that the next day i could maybe get anything, even as small as those dumb facebook 'pokes.' my whole life, i've loved my brothers more than they know and now i don't get to see them much. i was crying because i was upset at her for moping because she only got one conversation all day on his birthday. i thought she was being incredibly ungrateful for what she had.
so, i told her this and i guess she has a similar issue with the rest of he family. i didn't know that.
what bothered me, though, is that her great bit of advice: "give up because their minds will never change and you can't change them."
no chance in hell am i giving up on my dad's boys. no chance in hell am i going to stop trying, maybe not as often as i can, to contact them.
no chance in hell am i going to stop praying that, maybe one day, i'll get to know who they are like they used to know me. because i love them and no matter how much it hurts, i'm never going to let go or give up.
i will rickroll all three of them if need be. i'm serious.
Silly girl, when you go traveling, only the inanimate objects are as you left them. The people still change.
Just because you leave someone one way does not mean that this way in which you left them will continue to be their status. People change. They get married, engaged, break up, go on diets, give birth, even die.
A longer vacation just means you have to deal with more of it in a more condensed amount of time.
Stop running, kid. You'll just get tired and I don't know how many more pieces your little soul can pick up anymore.
I feel silly.
I didn't get a picture with you at your graduation. Is that bad? I wanted to. Is that bad?
I thought you were busy, so I didn't bother you because I didn't want to interrupt anything, but now I'm kicking myself for not taking the initiative and just making the echo for a memory.
I have pictures of you getting your diploma and stuff. I'll give you those.
Leah says I should just relax. What's done is done and it shouldn't matter. I don't think she likes you much. Sorry.
I haven't told Leyla about the anxiety I'm putting myself through over a picture. I have a pretty good idea of what she might say. I don't know how she feels about you.
I know how I feel about you. I care about you like I care for all my other friends, each in his or her own way. I'd do most anything for you, but I don't have romantic feelings for you. Which is good, I guess.
I don't know if I told you this, but I don't think I've ever been mad at you. Nope. Never been mad at you.
I wonder where you'll be next year. I never asked you. I should have.
I hope what you wrote was true; I hope you don't forget me. I hope I wasn't just another girl. I hope I was a friend for a little while. I hope you remember me and who I was when you really knew me.
I think it's fully that I'm writing a "Dear John" letter that isn't really a "Dear John" letter. Don't go into the military. Please.
I'm really tired. I woke up and felt the need to write this. I hope you don't mind.
This reminds me of summer camp, me writing to you by flashlight. Writing about things that were so trivial, so minute. My world was so comparatively small four years ago.
Can you believe it's been four years? I can't. I was so young. I am still so young. There were so many people I didn't know, so many things I hadn't done that now comprise who I am today. I don't think you really know who I am today.That makes me a little sad because I used to count you as one of my very best friends and things are so different now. For a while, I felt like, by rules someone else had made, we weren't allowed to be friends. I think that hurt the most. I lost one of my very best friends at such a turning point in my life. I miss you.
Are girls allowed to be friends with boys who are taken? I hope so.
Are boys allowed to be friends with girls who are taken? Who makes these rules?
They are all so very annoying.
Anyways, I'll leave you with that. Please text me if you want to grab coffee or anything. I really want to know who you are now, if only just to be proud of your accomplishments or plans or anything.
I know this isn't goodbye.
I'm sorry for _____. It was wrong and I wish I hadn't done it because it hurt you. I think about the opportunities I lost when I lost your trust in me. I think about how things won't ever be the same. I think about you every day. I think about the way you smiled at me and the way your eyes would light up when you laughed with me. I really loved you and now I can't ever have that relationship with you. I blew it. You were my best friend and I became someone I hated. Someone we hated. And then I lied about it. It could have ended so simply. It was such a small thing, but it was handled badly and I think that was what hurt you.
You talk to me again, but you don't really love me any more. I don't blame you. I find it hard to love me, too.
I love you.
there was a very small girl with very curly hair who dreamed of flight. She loved the airplane to visit her grandmother. She loved when her brothers lifted her into the air. She loved soaring on her swing that Santa had hung from the tree in her front yard.
there is a rather small girl whose curls have flattened. She is terrified of airplanes. Her grandmother died. Her brothers no longer love her. The tree has since been cut down.
Dream time goes down
But so does refuge
Refuge is sound
Sound goes away
Ear drums are fading
If you like to dream
Turn off the screen
Live life ignorant
Unless you go down
Turn off the sound
I'd like to dream
In the clouds
there was a lonesome girl who came to stay
in the bungalow of an inn.
Every day she ate and played
But never left-- she stayed and stayed--
in the bungalow at the inn.
She laced up twine
and shared a rhyme
in the bungalow at the inn.
Soon it showed
that she carried a load
in the bungalow at the inn.
And then the time came
when she was carried away
from the bungalow at the inn.
Though she strayed,
her twine never frayed
in the bungalow at the inn.
Though that's her only sign,
I won't forget her rhyme
in the bungalow at the inn.
Then I cried more because my mom didn't stick up for me.
I felt hurt and alone and my face was disgustingly moist.
Then I remembered how incredibly lucky I am for everything they've given me and how they haven't stopped loving me because of this incident. Then came the self-loathing and it was awful. I'm getting worse.
I'm generally a cheery gal, but lately, I haven't have much time to let loose and feel what I actually feel. I've had to act certain ways, on stage, on trips, with family... and I need a break. The longer I go without this break, I feel sadder, I feel less inclined to do things, even to get up in the morning.
I don't know what I need right now because I'm concentrating on obligations that are ahead of myself at the moment. I have work to do that other people are counting on me for. I have tasks to complete and events to attend and I can't not do them. I just wish there was a different way because I don't know what it is if it exists.
I just started crying again. I feel horrible, feeling this way because so many people tell me they care about me every single day and I feel like if I'm sad or defective, I'm letting them all down. I couldn't do that. I need someone to tell me that they accept me. That I'm okay. That I can just be with them and find some sort of shelter. I need some sort of shelter. But I have no time. I hate that. I'm so busy I haven't allowed for any sort of help to come my way.
I need help, but I don't want sympathy. I disdain sympathy. It makes me feel worse because people have to trudge up those feelings that get them down, too.
Don't pity me. (yes, you, imaginary reader, I'm talking to you. Oh, you whom I have made up. You who do not exist shall not pity)